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 Why is not for me to ask. But when God see's me sobbing even still, God need not ask me why. |
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Daddy has been dreading this day be cause it is the anniversary of the single most horrible event in mine and your Mother's lives. At least on your birthday, we have Joshua to concentrate our affection and love to. But this day will always be yours and yours alone. Nothing else to keep my mind from thinking, wondering and aching. Daddy now looks at everything in a completely different light than he used to. I realize that the circumstances around your passing have changed me and the hurt that I felt is something that I know I could never go through again. It's not easy walking through life with all the guilt on my shoulders. In my eyes, I am at fault for you not being here. And my punishment is to have to see and live with the pain that I created. Everytime your Mother cries from missing you, I feel that I caused it. Everytime someone mentions your name and says how beautiful you were, I think again, my fault. And everything isn't about me. I don't wear this guilt like a flag for everyone to see. I don't want anyone's pity. But the anguish that I carry has not relinquished itself at all. I am stuck back in time exactly one year ago today. Because I feel that it is my fault. I could not bring you back. You died in my hands. Ten days earlier, I promised your Grandmother Diane that I would take care of you and bring you back safely. I did neither. And it hurts to look in her eyes anymore. Joshua is doing fine. He'll be walking soon. Are you the one he is talking to when he sits facing an empty corner of a room? Do you check on him? He will sit in a corner and raise his hands to reach at something, or offer a toy to the corner sometimes. And when I pull him away he cries, then crawls back, and there is nothing there that I can see. They say that time will help heal the wounds. I am still waiting. Good Night my little boy. In my thoughts of a perfect Heaven, you are being held by Grace, your hand holding Gene's finger, and God is watching over you all. Love, Daddy *Tears In Heaven* Would you know my name, If I saw you in heaven? Would it be the same, if I saw you in heaven? I must be strong, and carry on, Cause I know I don't belong, Here in Heaven. Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in heaven? Would you help me stand, if I saw you in heaven? I'll find my way, through night and day, cause I know I just can't stay Here in Heaven. Beyond the door, there is peace I'm sure And I know there will be no more, Tears In Heaven. ************************************************** |
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